Santa is Dead

Its that wonderful time of year again. The time of year that all the must have toys are screaming across the TV 24/7. The kids are talking about what they want at school. Kids are begging parents for iPhones and computers. Moms and Dads are stressing about money and maxing out credit cards so their kids can have it all. Isn't is wonderful? 

It sucks. It sucks so so bad. 

It sucks so bad that I lost my shit and told my 9 and 6 year old that Santa was fake. He wasn't real.

He never was real. 

All the toys came from mom and dad. Minds blown. Tears flowed. And then we all got over it. 

I knew somehow I needed to explain it to them. This meaning of Christmas. I knew I needed to show them what Christmas really was. That part I hadn't really thought out. 

I was in charge of the Food Drive this year for our local elementary. We collected lots of food and it was time to take it to the local food bank. I asked my girls if they would help and they were happy to do it. Especially because there was a cute boy who was helping too. We loaded all the food into the truck and headed for the food bank. Once there, we unloaded all the food again and took it into the food bank. Once inside my kids saw shelves full of food and three sweet ladies who were there to organize it. They explained to the kids why we need the food bank and how they were helping local families have a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I felt so thankful in that moment that I could tell my kids just what Christmas was. 

"THIS IS CHRISTMAS", I said. This is everything that Christmas is about! Jesus Christ lived to serve. We celebrate Christmas because of Jesus." 

The lights came on in their eyes and with smiles they said they really like this kind of Christmas. 

The whole way home they talked about how good they felt and how glad they are that all families can have a nice dinner. 

While I was kind of mean telling them Santa wasn't real, I don't regret it. Not at all. 

I was raising brats. No joke. All they talk about is what they want. They never talk about what they can give or do for others. I was disappointed in myself as a parent. I wasn't doing it right. I wasn't raising grateful children. Our world so desperately needs grateful children. We need kind children who will grow up to be kind adults. Kindness starts when we are grateful for what we have and then share it with others. 

My kids are over the idea of Santa. They have had friends tell them that I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm wrong. Oh well. They have friends who want to believe and that's nice. My kids will just have a different kind of Christmas this year. And it will be amazing. It will be worth remembering. 

So to my girls, 

I love you more than I love Christmas. I want to teach you to be kind and generous. I hope you always feel the magic and Spirit of Christmas. I hope you think of all the good you can do for others this time of year. I hope you feel the Love of the Savior all your life but especially during this time of year when we celebrate the birth of Christ. Christmas is more than the gifts. It is more than the lights and fun. It is a time to think of others. It is a time to be thankful. Always remember who you are and how you can help. 

Love, Mom

Write It Out

So many things I think about in a day and why I haven't kept on writing is a mystery. I have 3 kids, maybe that is why.
My mom reminded me of why I need to write. I need to keep a record for my kids. I wont always be here and I might even forget some of the wonderful things that I take for granted in this crazy life.
One thing I know I will forget is the first 2 years of Keslies life. Not because I wanted too but because it has been hard and I tend to let hard things go. Keslie Kay is magic. She is a ball of fury one minute and a lover the next. I can't predict her. I can't even seen to get to know her before she changes again. I can honestly say that it is a daily effort to bond with her. What mother says that? Me, I guess.  I love her. Some days I wonder why I am her mom. I wonder if I'll be the mom she deserves. She needs patience and love constantly. So I guess, Keslie, I will do my best.

Beyond raising 3 girls, Corey and I have decided to start a mobile welding business. Its been weird. Stressful and slow. I won't lie, it scares me everyday and I wake up hoping he'll change his mind and find a job. He wants this so bad though. He wants to be C&S Welding. So I wake up wanting it too. I tell myself that I will support him and I do. I know it is fear that has me stressed and each day I try to be less afraid. More brave. More outgoing. I know he and I can make this work, so we will.

Life in Utah hasn't changed much in the past 10 years. I still don't love it. I am homesick for Alaska despite my feelings for winter. I don't feel a part of the community like I thought I would after 10 years. I almost feel like I am too much for little Mona. I'm constantly offending people or taking them back. I can't help being this way. I tried a filter, it caused great depression. If I can't be me, I can't be happy. That could easily be a age or maturity problem but it is what it is.

I'd like to think I will keep up writing on a regular basis but for now I am going for once a week. I wont try to catch up on the last year or two or three but to my girls, please know that I am trying. Every damn day.

Personal Development will be my Jam

A while ago I was doing daily personal development and feeling pretty darn good. My biggest problem is I don't really like reading.
No, I love reading.
I don't really like sitting down during the day and reading. I feel like I'm wasting time.
Now that I am officially book fave free, I have found that I have TONS of time. Gaps in my day. Thumb twiddling kind of time.
So, I figured picking up my Brene Brown books would be a good use of my time.
Just not today. Today was more self putty and looking for jobs for the hubs.
So now after a good movie that made me cry, I am going to blog about how I'm going to start reading Daring Greatly, again.
Seriously, get you a good book that makes your feels feel food. Makes you rethink everything. Makes you think. Think about the hard stuff.
Makes you think about growing.
Then makes you realize you can grow. Heal. Have Joy.
Lots of really good books out there that can bring about great change in a person.

Update on my freedom from book face:
I have felt like I took the microscope away. Turned it off. I'm not on the stage anymore and that feels good. I needed to realize that wasn't required to entertain anyone. My life isn't a show to turn on or off. Either you are at my table or you are not. If one needs to watch me, hear me or talk to me, then I'm right here. In my home. In my safe place. With my people. And on Instagram.
There's always instagram.

Dem Feelings

You know how you start feeling good and things are going okay and you get comfortable in life?

I don't either. I have no idea what that feels like.
I have anxiety and depression.

Mostly anxiety. I can go days feeling like my hear is going to jump out of my chest. No doubt hit someone wearing white and then they'll be mad at me.
Then I'll feel guilty for the mess and try desperately hard to apologize.
Then get angry when they don't see how hard I'm trying and decide I hate that person.

This shit ain't normal. I know its not normal but I talk myself out of it.
I can eat healthy and it helps.
I can exercise and it helps.
I can pray and be calm and that helps.
But after days of trying to feel like the sky isn't falling on me, I have come to realize that I am nothing without help.

On more than one occasion I have said things that either hurt someones feelings or put my own job in jeopardy.
Whether or not I think I'm being funny makes not excuse for bad behavior.
Social media hasn't helped at all either. It gives you the illusion that you are free to say whatever you want. It even asks. "Whats on your mind?".  Well why don't I tell you! No.
Just no.
But I do. I let my fingers become this barf machine of words and without thinking, proof reading or considering, I hit
POST.
Who can it really hurt? Who really cares? I mean, I've already forgotten all about it.
Someone always cares.
Someone will always read it.
So no I have to hope that they are and were feeling the same way I was when I posted it so they get it the way I meant it.
But NO!
That isn't how social media works! No one feels what I am feeling right now unless they are with me, and know my story.
They feel how they are feeling and read it and share it because it make them feel something totally different.
The damage is done. It was done and it can't be taken back because words written or said made a difference.
I don't get to pick how my words effect people. I can only pick what words I use and how I use them and be responsible when they are done being said.

This is anxiety. This is how I feel every time I open my mouth or put my fingers on the keys.
I feel this overwhelming fear. ALL. The. Time.

So I've decided to call my doctor and get it figured out.

2017 and All the Things

I debated whether or not I would start up my blog again.
Start a whole new blog all together.
Do nothing.

I feel like no matter what I do I will forget the little things that my kids do that I felt were so big at the time. They were big things.
But still forgot about them. I still got busy with other things and before I knew it they were bigger and talk-ier and doing more amazing things that I will inevitably forget.

I think that is the only reason I got back on here. My mind isn't strong enough to hold all the memories. Writing seems to be the only art in which I can hold on too my kids childhood.
And obviously the pictures help. I have no problem taking a million pictures.

Also, 2016 was a major shit storm as far as life goes. We were handed more bad news and ugly people than I care to ever remember.

We began the year unemployed and ended it just the same. Corey had a couple jobs in between that pretended to pay but we never made enough to save anything. My bus driving has been our saving grace and I'm always thankful for crazy job.

We relied on our savings this year and I'll be forever thankful that we are savers. This year could have looked much different if we didn't save for this rainy shit storm of a year.

While I'd like to go on and on about how bad the year was, it was also filled with more love and more memories than I would have expected.

We went fishing more.
We spent more time as a family.
Corey found a new hobby in welding that will turn into an income soon.
Cailyn found independence in responsability.
Carly found out she is stronger and more capable if she just tries.
Keslie found her voice and place in our family.
I adjusted to the season I'm in and embraced all the change without having a total mental breakdown.

I think overall we had a good year.
Not financially.
But we made it. We're still in it too.

Each new year brings this new Hope though.
We all get so excited for this New Year, aka. New Hope.
I, for one, will hold on to the new hope like its my life jacket in a raging river.

So for good measure, here is what I want to remember about 2016.

So with that, I will sign off and chat at ya later.
Sadie

The Big Niner

Today marks 9 years that Corey and I have been married. 

Thats bananas. 

Its also very nice. 

Nice to know that we are both capable of growing and loving. 

So here's a rundown of the last 9 years. 

9 years legally married.

3 new female humans.

1 home.

1 state.

2 job changes.

Lots of laughs.

Fewer fights.

I'm not very good at these clever rundowns.

We're still happy and I guess thats all that matters.

We are still taking care of our beautiful girls and working hard everyday 

to have a great life. 

Lots of good times, hard times and everything in between. 

Its strange to think about being with the same person 

for your whole life but when it comes

easy, its not so weird. 

Thanks for making things somewhat easy for me Corey! 

Love you for many many more!

(Ha! This last one kills me.)