Santa is Dead

Its that wonderful time of year again. The time of year that all the must have toys are screaming across the TV 24/7. The kids are talking about what they want at school. Kids are begging parents for iPhones and computers. Moms and Dads are stressing about money and maxing out credit cards so their kids can have it all. Isn't is wonderful? 

It sucks. It sucks so so bad. 

It sucks so bad that I lost my shit and told my 9 and 6 year old that Santa was fake. He wasn't real.

He never was real. 

All the toys came from mom and dad. Minds blown. Tears flowed. And then we all got over it. 

I knew somehow I needed to explain it to them. This meaning of Christmas. I knew I needed to show them what Christmas really was. That part I hadn't really thought out. 

I was in charge of the Food Drive this year for our local elementary. We collected lots of food and it was time to take it to the local food bank. I asked my girls if they would help and they were happy to do it. Especially because there was a cute boy who was helping too. We loaded all the food into the truck and headed for the food bank. Once there, we unloaded all the food again and took it into the food bank. Once inside my kids saw shelves full of food and three sweet ladies who were there to organize it. They explained to the kids why we need the food bank and how they were helping local families have a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I felt so thankful in that moment that I could tell my kids just what Christmas was. 

"THIS IS CHRISTMAS", I said. This is everything that Christmas is about! Jesus Christ lived to serve. We celebrate Christmas because of Jesus." 

The lights came on in their eyes and with smiles they said they really like this kind of Christmas. 

The whole way home they talked about how good they felt and how glad they are that all families can have a nice dinner. 

While I was kind of mean telling them Santa wasn't real, I don't regret it. Not at all. 

I was raising brats. No joke. All they talk about is what they want. They never talk about what they can give or do for others. I was disappointed in myself as a parent. I wasn't doing it right. I wasn't raising grateful children. Our world so desperately needs grateful children. We need kind children who will grow up to be kind adults. Kindness starts when we are grateful for what we have and then share it with others. 

My kids are over the idea of Santa. They have had friends tell them that I don't know what I'm talking about and I'm wrong. Oh well. They have friends who want to believe and that's nice. My kids will just have a different kind of Christmas this year. And it will be amazing. It will be worth remembering. 

So to my girls, 

I love you more than I love Christmas. I want to teach you to be kind and generous. I hope you always feel the magic and Spirit of Christmas. I hope you think of all the good you can do for others this time of year. I hope you feel the Love of the Savior all your life but especially during this time of year when we celebrate the birth of Christ. Christmas is more than the gifts. It is more than the lights and fun. It is a time to think of others. It is a time to be thankful. Always remember who you are and how you can help. 

Love, Mom

Write It Out

So many things I think about in a day and why I haven't kept on writing is a mystery. I have 3 kids, maybe that is why.
My mom reminded me of why I need to write. I need to keep a record for my kids. I wont always be here and I might even forget some of the wonderful things that I take for granted in this crazy life.
One thing I know I will forget is the first 2 years of Keslies life. Not because I wanted too but because it has been hard and I tend to let hard things go. Keslie Kay is magic. She is a ball of fury one minute and a lover the next. I can't predict her. I can't even seen to get to know her before she changes again. I can honestly say that it is a daily effort to bond with her. What mother says that? Me, I guess.  I love her. Some days I wonder why I am her mom. I wonder if I'll be the mom she deserves. She needs patience and love constantly. So I guess, Keslie, I will do my best.

Beyond raising 3 girls, Corey and I have decided to start a mobile welding business. Its been weird. Stressful and slow. I won't lie, it scares me everyday and I wake up hoping he'll change his mind and find a job. He wants this so bad though. He wants to be C&S Welding. So I wake up wanting it too. I tell myself that I will support him and I do. I know it is fear that has me stressed and each day I try to be less afraid. More brave. More outgoing. I know he and I can make this work, so we will.

Life in Utah hasn't changed much in the past 10 years. I still don't love it. I am homesick for Alaska despite my feelings for winter. I don't feel a part of the community like I thought I would after 10 years. I almost feel like I am too much for little Mona. I'm constantly offending people or taking them back. I can't help being this way. I tried a filter, it caused great depression. If I can't be me, I can't be happy. That could easily be a age or maturity problem but it is what it is.

I'd like to think I will keep up writing on a regular basis but for now I am going for once a week. I wont try to catch up on the last year or two or three but to my girls, please know that I am trying. Every damn day.