Personal Development will be my Jam

A while ago I was doing daily personal development and feeling pretty darn good. My biggest problem is I don't really like reading.
No, I love reading.
I don't really like sitting down during the day and reading. I feel like I'm wasting time.
Now that I am officially book fave free, I have found that I have TONS of time. Gaps in my day. Thumb twiddling kind of time.
So, I figured picking up my Brene Brown books would be a good use of my time.
Just not today. Today was more self putty and looking for jobs for the hubs.
So now after a good movie that made me cry, I am going to blog about how I'm going to start reading Daring Greatly, again.
Seriously, get you a good book that makes your feels feel food. Makes you rethink everything. Makes you think. Think about the hard stuff.
Makes you think about growing.
Then makes you realize you can grow. Heal. Have Joy.
Lots of really good books out there that can bring about great change in a person.

Update on my freedom from book face:
I have felt like I took the microscope away. Turned it off. I'm not on the stage anymore and that feels good. I needed to realize that wasn't required to entertain anyone. My life isn't a show to turn on or off. Either you are at my table or you are not. If one needs to watch me, hear me or talk to me, then I'm right here. In my home. In my safe place. With my people. And on Instagram.
There's always instagram.

Dem Feelings

You know how you start feeling good and things are going okay and you get comfortable in life?

I don't either. I have no idea what that feels like.
I have anxiety and depression.

Mostly anxiety. I can go days feeling like my hear is going to jump out of my chest. No doubt hit someone wearing white and then they'll be mad at me.
Then I'll feel guilty for the mess and try desperately hard to apologize.
Then get angry when they don't see how hard I'm trying and decide I hate that person.

This shit ain't normal. I know its not normal but I talk myself out of it.
I can eat healthy and it helps.
I can exercise and it helps.
I can pray and be calm and that helps.
But after days of trying to feel like the sky isn't falling on me, I have come to realize that I am nothing without help.

On more than one occasion I have said things that either hurt someones feelings or put my own job in jeopardy.
Whether or not I think I'm being funny makes not excuse for bad behavior.
Social media hasn't helped at all either. It gives you the illusion that you are free to say whatever you want. It even asks. "Whats on your mind?".  Well why don't I tell you! No.
Just no.
But I do. I let my fingers become this barf machine of words and without thinking, proof reading or considering, I hit
POST.
Who can it really hurt? Who really cares? I mean, I've already forgotten all about it.
Someone always cares.
Someone will always read it.
So no I have to hope that they are and were feeling the same way I was when I posted it so they get it the way I meant it.
But NO!
That isn't how social media works! No one feels what I am feeling right now unless they are with me, and know my story.
They feel how they are feeling and read it and share it because it make them feel something totally different.
The damage is done. It was done and it can't be taken back because words written or said made a difference.
I don't get to pick how my words effect people. I can only pick what words I use and how I use them and be responsible when they are done being said.

This is anxiety. This is how I feel every time I open my mouth or put my fingers on the keys.
I feel this overwhelming fear. ALL. The. Time.

So I've decided to call my doctor and get it figured out.

2017 and All the Things

I debated whether or not I would start up my blog again.
Start a whole new blog all together.
Do nothing.

I feel like no matter what I do I will forget the little things that my kids do that I felt were so big at the time. They were big things.
But still forgot about them. I still got busy with other things and before I knew it they were bigger and talk-ier and doing more amazing things that I will inevitably forget.

I think that is the only reason I got back on here. My mind isn't strong enough to hold all the memories. Writing seems to be the only art in which I can hold on too my kids childhood.
And obviously the pictures help. I have no problem taking a million pictures.

Also, 2016 was a major shit storm as far as life goes. We were handed more bad news and ugly people than I care to ever remember.

We began the year unemployed and ended it just the same. Corey had a couple jobs in between that pretended to pay but we never made enough to save anything. My bus driving has been our saving grace and I'm always thankful for crazy job.

We relied on our savings this year and I'll be forever thankful that we are savers. This year could have looked much different if we didn't save for this rainy shit storm of a year.

While I'd like to go on and on about how bad the year was, it was also filled with more love and more memories than I would have expected.

We went fishing more.
We spent more time as a family.
Corey found a new hobby in welding that will turn into an income soon.
Cailyn found independence in responsability.
Carly found out she is stronger and more capable if she just tries.
Keslie found her voice and place in our family.
I adjusted to the season I'm in and embraced all the change without having a total mental breakdown.

I think overall we had a good year.
Not financially.
But we made it. We're still in it too.

Each new year brings this new Hope though.
We all get so excited for this New Year, aka. New Hope.
I, for one, will hold on to the new hope like its my life jacket in a raging river.

So for good measure, here is what I want to remember about 2016.

So with that, I will sign off and chat at ya later.
Sadie