You know how you start feeling good and things are going okay and you get comfortable in life?
I don't either. I have no idea what that feels like.
I have anxiety and depression.
Mostly anxiety. I can go days feeling like my hear is going to jump out of my chest. No doubt hit someone wearing white and then they'll be mad at me.
Then I'll feel guilty for the mess and try desperately hard to apologize.
Then get angry when they don't see how hard I'm trying and decide I hate that person.
This shit ain't normal. I know its not normal but I talk myself out of it.
I can eat healthy and it helps.
I can exercise and it helps.
I can pray and be calm and that helps.
But after days of trying to feel like the sky isn't falling on me, I have come to realize that I am nothing without help.
On more than one occasion I have said things that either hurt someones feelings or put my own job in jeopardy.
Whether or not I think I'm being funny makes not excuse for bad behavior.
Social media hasn't helped at all either. It gives you the illusion that you are free to say whatever you want. It even asks. "Whats on your mind?". Well why don't I tell you! No.
Just no.
But I do. I let my fingers become this barf machine of words and without thinking, proof reading or considering, I hit
POST.
Who can it really hurt? Who really cares? I mean, I've already forgotten all about it.
Someone always cares.
Someone will always read it.
So no I have to hope that they are and were feeling the same way I was when I posted it so they get it the way I meant it.
But NO!
That isn't how social media works! No one feels what I am feeling right now unless they are with me, and know my story.
They feel how they are feeling and read it and share it because it make them feel something totally different.
The damage is done. It was done and it can't be taken back because words written or said made a difference.
I don't get to pick how my words effect people. I can only pick what words I use and how I use them and be responsible when they are done being said.
This is anxiety. This is how I feel every time I open my mouth or put my fingers on the keys.
I feel this overwhelming fear. ALL. The. Time.
So I've decided to call my doctor and get it figured out.
We have the depression/anxiety/bi-polar genetics running through our family. All of my daughters have some form of those mental health illnesses. We're pretty open about it--just as if they had diabetes or any other illness-- we call it a "Plot Twist"--they're properly diagnosed, get the best treatment for them individually, and get back to living the Life they want to create. Bad days are noted as such, "bad days" and Good days are appreciated and acknowledged too. The things about low seratonin levels is that it's genetic, so chances are good that one or more of your daughters will also carry that gene, just like your beautiful brown eyes. Be gentle with yourself. Get the health care you need and cultivate the self-care that works for you. You can have mental illness and still be what God intended for you to become. Love you Sadie!
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