Write It Out

So many things I think about in a day and why I haven't kept on writing is a mystery. I have 3 kids, maybe that is why.
My mom reminded me of why I need to write. I need to keep a record for my kids. I wont always be here and I might even forget some of the wonderful things that I take for granted in this crazy life.
One thing I know I will forget is the first 2 years of Keslies life. Not because I wanted too but because it has been hard and I tend to let hard things go. Keslie Kay is magic. She is a ball of fury one minute and a lover the next. I can't predict her. I can't even seen to get to know her before she changes again. I can honestly say that it is a daily effort to bond with her. What mother says that? Me, I guess.  I love her. Some days I wonder why I am her mom. I wonder if I'll be the mom she deserves. She needs patience and love constantly. So I guess, Keslie, I will do my best.

Beyond raising 3 girls, Corey and I have decided to start a mobile welding business. Its been weird. Stressful and slow. I won't lie, it scares me everyday and I wake up hoping he'll change his mind and find a job. He wants this so bad though. He wants to be C&S Welding. So I wake up wanting it too. I tell myself that I will support him and I do. I know it is fear that has me stressed and each day I try to be less afraid. More brave. More outgoing. I know he and I can make this work, so we will.

Life in Utah hasn't changed much in the past 10 years. I still don't love it. I am homesick for Alaska despite my feelings for winter. I don't feel a part of the community like I thought I would after 10 years. I almost feel like I am too much for little Mona. I'm constantly offending people or taking them back. I can't help being this way. I tried a filter, it caused great depression. If I can't be me, I can't be happy. That could easily be a age or maturity problem but it is what it is.

I'd like to think I will keep up writing on a regular basis but for now I am going for once a week. I wont try to catch up on the last year or two or three but to my girls, please know that I am trying. Every damn day.